|
| What good does it do for me?
I really hate it when people CONSCIOUSLY rub things in for me. What are you, trying to make yourself feel better? Wah thanks ah.
Sigh. | | |
| I have nothing but yet another regret I bring to the table. Yet another regret.
For better or for worse, this regret is different. It's not one of those I over-trusted someone and regretted it. Now it's academic. Ah yes, welcome to university and the 4 years of official adulthood and reigning in the pre-years of office life and blahblahblah and I do not look forward to that.
Rumminations aside, up till now I still feel horribly regretful. Horribly horribly regretful that I rejected it. I rejected my double major application. So when I rejected it, I felt like I was doing myself a favour. Initially I wanted to do business, but suddenly I just didn't feel like it. I don't know what happened. I just felt like, well this.
Q: Why do you want to do business?
Me thinking: I don't know. Arrrrrgh it's gonna be one of my reasons about how it's practical shit again forget it.
And then I just ignored it and thought I was being bold and brave by rejecting such a thing and how if I did take it, I'd be in hell etc etc etc.
Which is true. If I took it, I'm assuming I'll be in hell. Teaching me how to manage my company with $$$, or how to present myself to be more marketable. Urgh!
But now, what have I done? Why didn't I even tell my parents? Why did I just disregard them?
I cannot understand myself and I never will. I know we're all given a chance to do a double major later, but I need to actually work at it (3.5 cap) WHEREAS THIS WAS GIVEN TO ME FOR FREE.
Feel like a complete shit head. Worst part? I bet this guilt will last for days. Like DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS.
Shizzie noodles. Pooya hooya. Grooza meeza.
I want to kill myself I HATE MYSELF IM SO STUPID. I just hope this regret wears off. Somehow. I hatemyself. | | |
| I used to pour out all my secrets here. Maybe not always secrets, sometimes feelings.
That changed after a while. I started penning it down.
It takes a while to realise how lonely you are when you have no one to share them with but the world of unknown. Because these are the unthinkable. | | |
| And it's true. I keep getting instances when I cannot help but imagine myself in better circumstances. But what do I know? I know nothing. And until this really sinks in, I'll never be satisfied with what I have. Ever. | | |
| After a wasted trip to city hall finding out there's NO italian class, I decided to pay a visit to my piano teacher whom I haven't seen for 2 whole years since I was dropping by Clementi. Meeting her was ok. Although when she said "why are you here you're not welcomed" i was so scared i couldn't tell if she was joking or WHAT, that you know what happened? i started to tear. like really. my voice went super shaky it was chao embarrassing. i dunno if he noticed. i guess i never told anybody but i've always wanted to meet up with her. it's just, after I heard she got cancer i was so worried that when i go back to Yamaha, she'd be bald or something and I'd just be crying my heart out. She's like my longest running teacher ever. I had her since I was 6 years old all the way to 16 years old. 10 whole years. I felt so guilty for not visiting her for 2 whole years (although I did pop by and she wasn't there), so when she said that, I was like shiiiiiit. sigh. anyway it was the most daunting thing ever. i felt SO freaking nervous, the exact feeling before I took gp (first alevel exam). and now, I'm going to do another brave thing I've been avoiding for three days. I'm going to open that email. :( My heart is beating so so fast now. I feel like crying. Yet this is inevitable. Updates later. | | |
|
